Puns

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Chapters: 300
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Publisher: Free Jokes

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He's a professional grafter Chapter 1
You know Fatty Schultz the butcher Chapter 2
I saw a sign in a hardware store to-day 'Cast iron sinks Chapter 3
How are you to-day Chapter 4
Let me see said the minister Chapter 5
She--I had a $5 bill in this dictionary yesterday and I can't find it anywhere Chapter 6
Have you ever met my sister Louisa Chapter 7
Why do you call that colored man a blackmailer Chapter 8
The street car lurched Chapter 9
I hear they are trying to close up the gambling establishments in New York Chapter 10
Gee I just made a bad break murmured the chef as he threw away some rotten eggs Chapter 11
This is our latest novelty said the manufacturer proudly Chapter 12
You ought to sleep well, You lie so easily Chapter 13
My girl's father is an undertaker Chapter 14
An Irishman comes to this country remains here ten years and goes back to Ireland and dies Chapter 15
He--Why has he put her picture in his watch Chapter 16
I saw some delicious apples growing on a tree this morning Chapter 17
My sister had a fright yesterday Chapter 18
Attorney for the Defense--Have you ever been cross-examined before Chapter 19
--I met a deaf and dumb man to-day who had every joint of his fingers broken Chapter 20
I'm nearly starved Chapter 21
What do you think of the statement that there are three hundred haunted houses in New York Chapter 22
I saw a big rat in my cook-stove and when I went for my revolver he ran out Chapter 23
GREENE--These wakes of yours are pretty boisterous affairs sometimes Chapter 24
I see Dorkins has got all of his seven daughters married off Chapter 25
Are your folks well to do Chapter 26
If you should die what would you do with your body Chapter 27
I was at the track to-day Percy and there was a horse down there with the itch Chapter 28
HE--Yes she is living under an assumed name Chapter 29
BIGGS--I hear the jail was afire this morning Chapter 30
Love they say is blind Chapter 31
It doesn't do any good to scold the janitor about our cold rooms Chapter 32
This liver is awful Maud said Mr Chapter 33
Who was the first one that came from the ark when it landed Chapter 34
RAILWAY CLERK--Another accident on the road to-day sir Chapter 35
I got your fare didn't I Chapter 36
ISAACS--Undt suppose dey did send us a message from Mars how could dey tell if we got it Chapter 37
HE--I'll go to-morrow and buy a diamond engagement ring Chapter 38
I am told said she saucily that though you are a military man you are afraid of powder Chapter 39
MRS Chapter 40
Pressed for work--cider Chapter 41
Is this a fire insurance office Chapter 42
We should never complain whatever may befall us said the minister Chapter 43
Tommy said mamma tearfully it gives me as much pain as it does you to punish you Chapter 44
I'll never ask another woman to marry me as long as I live Chapter 45
A wag who thought to have a joke at the expense of an Irish provision dealer said Can you supply me with a yard of pork Chapter 46
They say corporations have no soul Chapter 47
Did your sweetheart receive you warmly last night Chapter 48
Permit me then to die at your feet Chapter 49
Don't doubt the veteran who tells you he was always where the bullets were thickest; perhaps he was hiding under the ammunition wagon Chapter 50
MR Chapter 51
Nature never allows anything to run to waist Chapter 52
What's the matter here Chapter 53
According to a florist's magazine Jacks are becoming cheap Chapter 54
JOHNNY--What makes you look so tired Chapter 55
BROWN--Peckhen has arrived safe Chapter 56
Oh live and let live my man Chapter 57
SMITH--I notice that Robinson has an article in the paper this morning Chapter 58
When Lot found his wife transformed into a pillar of salt he was wise enough to let it go at that and not take a fresh one Chapter 59
SOLOMAN SOLOMAN--Our frent Cohen must pe goin' t' haf a fire Chapter 60
A telephone girl always reminds me of a pictured saint Chapter 61
A husband and wife are considered one but it is useless to try to work that gag on the landlord when he presents the board bill Chapter 62
You haven't a cent and yet wish to marry Miss Bilyan Chapter 63
YOUNG M Chapter 64
Do you think that as a rule people who attend theaters are superstitious Chapter 65
Here's an account of a hen which layed three eggs at once and then died remarked Mrs Chapter 66
What is the best way to raise cabbage Chapter 67
Why is Miss B---- wearing black Chapter 68
Dearest she murmured I'm so afraid you'll change Chapter 69
What's the matter here Chapter 70
Oh, the sadness of her sadness when she's sad Chapter 71
Is it raining girls Chapter 72
GUEST--What have you got Chapter 73
STRANGER--Boy can you direct me to the bank Chapter 74
It's very puzzling said a worried looking woman to one of her neighbors Chapter 75
PLAYWRIGHT--There is a great climax in the last act Chapter 76
I sent a dollar last week said the Good thing in answer to that advertisement offering a method of saving one-half my gas bills Chapter 77
Did any of you ever see an elephant's skin Chapter 78
Curious isn't it Chapter 79
That cook would make a good baseball player Chapter 80
When you see a young man cleaning a girl's bicycle they are engaged; but when you see the operation reversed they are married Chapter 81
SHE (approvingly)--You won her hand then Chapter 82
What is the difference between the admission to a dime museum and the admission to Sing Sing Chapter 83
A man at the hotel wanted to bet that Corbett would knock out Jeffries Chapter 84
Why is a railroad train like a bedbug Chapter 85
CALLER--Wonder if I can see your mother little boy Chapter 86
I must admit said the mannish girl that I'm very fond of men's clothes Chapter 87
When a woman finds her dress does not match her complexion it is always easy enough to change her complexion Chapter 88
My friend said the long-coated old man solemnly have you made preparation for the day of judgment Chapter 89
George you look exhausted she said to him as he was putting on his hat and coat Chapter 90
Of the heroine in one of the latest sensational novels it is said: Her eyes chained him to the spit Chapter 91
Do I bore you Chapter 92
How did that fight between the bridge tenders end Chapter 93
What kind of essence does a young man like when he pops the question Chapter 94
MASHINGTON--What's the matter with your clock Chapter 95
The hawk was dozing Chapter 96
You ought to be very proud of your wife Chapter 97
I once knew a man who with the aid of a microscope made a harness for a flea Chapter 98
You want a divorce from your wife do you Chapter 99
How about the lazy man who hurt his eye looking for work Chapter 100
Don't take a bull by the horns; take him by the tail then you can let go without getting some one to help you Chapter 101
Women my boy said a parent to his son are a delusion and a snare Chapter 102
Would you said the reporter who gets novel interviews tell me what book helped you most in life Chapter 103
You were thrown out Chapter 104
What relation is a door-step to a door-mat Chapter 105
GUIDE--This is a dogwood tree Chapter 106
Some of us have more ups and downs in this world than others but when we get to the cemetery we will all be on the dead level Chapter 107
MRS Chapter 108
They caught the burglars that robbed the hotel last night Chapter 109
You own your own house don't you Chapter 110
Mike d' I ever tell ye the story about the dirty window Chapter 111
A lady noticed a boy sprinkling salt on the sidewalk to take off the ice and remarked to a friend pointing to the salt: Now that's true benevolence Chapter 112
TEACHER--Thomas can you tell me which battle Nelson was killed in Chapter 113
JOHNNIE--Ya-as I've just come back from Ireland--County Cork Chapter 114
What is love Chapter 115
How by the statesman insincere Man's weary soul is vexed Chapter 116
Hush not so loud Chapter 117
I saw De Castro the magician make a $20 gold piece disappear in three minutes Chapter 118
An art-school student recently painted the picture of a dog under a tree so lifelike that it was impossible to distinguish the bark of the tree from that of the dog Chapter 119
LADY--Why do you remove your sword Lieutenant Chapter 120
SHE--You used to call me the light of your life Chapter 121
MOSES--How did you make your money Ike Chapter 122
HE--Don't you think Miss Plainly is the very image of her mother Chapter 123
--I want to be an angel Chapter 124
Telephone operators are always bound to have the last word; that's why females are always employed in that capacity Chapter 125
What are you going to do with your boy Chapter 126
BIGGS--That butcher is an awkward fellow Chapter 127
Is the proprietor in Chapter 128
Did the minister say anything comforting Chapter 129
What kind of hen lays the longest Chapter 130
CITYMAN--Do they keep a servant girl Chapter 131
If a woman would change her sex what would her religion be Chapter 132
What in the world shall I do with the baby John Chapter 133
The man who was run over by the cars the other day is now out of danger Chapter 134
The death of her husband must have been a dreadful blow to Mrs Chapter 135
Poor Lot's wife turned to salt alas Chapter 136
SMITH--There is something that will never be boycotted by the fair sex as long as time lasts Chapter 137
In one way the clock makers are independent of labor troubles Chapter 138
There is a man who never knew such a thing as fear Chapter 139
What is the plural of man Johnny Chapter 140
FIRST COMEDIAN--Did you score a hit with your new specialty Chapter 141
If I might hold that hand again Chapter 142
WIFE--Got a dollar Chapter 143
Some one threw a head of cabbage at an Irish orator while he was making a speech once Chapter 144
Why are you sad Bill Chapter 145
MRS Chapter 146
--That Jersey murderer was clever to get off as he did wasn't he Chapter 147
I've been married five years and I've got a bushel of children Chapter 148
The weary desert stretched for miles Chapter 149
Corbett and Fitzsimmons will never fight again Chapter 150
ASKIT-What is a convenient fall trip for me to take Chapter 151
There is but one thing said the professor of medicine gravely that we know about death Chapter 152
Did you hear about Miss Jones Chapter 153
When was money first invented Chapter 154
What a distinguished looking man Chapter 155
HE--Didn't you promise to love honor and obey me Chapter 156
THIN BOARDER--I don't see how you manage to fare so well at this boarding-house Chapter 157
Why should a young man never raise his straw hat to a lady Chapter 158
JONES--Well we had an addition to our family yesterday Chapter 159
DINER--Hello Chapter 160
An Irishman was planting shade trees when a passing lady said: You're digging out the holes are you Mr Chapter 161
Irish foreman to gang of men in a sewer: How many men is down in that hole Chapter 162
TRAMP--Can't you give a poor man something to eat Chapter 163
I suppose Barnum went to heaven when he died Chapter 164
Why do all bank cashiers run to Canada Chapter 165
Were you attached to the place Chapter 166
If a guest at a restaurant ordered a lobster and ate it and another guest did the same what would the latter's telephone number be Chapter 167
An Irishman quarreling with an Englishman told him if he didn't hold his tongue he would break his impenetrable head and let his brains out of his empty skull Chapter 168
PETERS--Are you not sick of hearing everybody sing that popular song Chapter 169
I'm the champion long distance cornet player Chapter 170
What have you here Chapter 171
When we first dined at a cafe We feared they'd drop their trays but later We learned somewhat to our dismay It takes--as scores of men will say-- A big tip to upset a waiter Chapter 172
Irish stew said the restaurant guest Chapter 173
Comstock shuddered the other evening when a lady asked him if he cared for undressed kids Chapter 174
MRS Chapter 175
Is your friend the dentist a society chap Chapter 176
Did you know that Xanthippe wife of one of the greatest of ancient philosophers was a great scold Chapter 177
The pugilist boxes his man before he lays him out Chapter 178
An old-maid being at a loss for a pin-cushion made use of an onion for the purpose Chapter 179
BROWN--Up at Hagenbeck's show there is a large bear that hugs a woman without killing her Chapter 180
Why do you call him 'Mr Chapter 181
AMERICAN--You have noticed I suppose that the balance of trade so far as your country and ours are concerned is still in our favor Chapter 182
HUSBAND--I am going to buy two little children Chapter 183
Your father has a strong box at home hasn't he Willie said the teacher Chapter 184
This wireless telegraphy reminds me of a groundless quarrel Chapter 185
To-morrow never comes they say; But all such talk is idle gush For when we have a debt to pay To-morrow gets there with a rush Chapter 186
Did you go into any of the New York restaurants Chapter 187
The word 'reviver' spells the same backwards and forwards Chapter 188
I hear they're going to change the name of Central Park to Orchard Park Chapter 189
TOM--I understand that Cholly went hunting the other day Chapter 190
Two wrongs don't make a right Chapter 191
It's all foolishness to talk about any one getting the worst of it in the matrimonial game declared the big man with a silk hat and a loud suit of clothes Chapter 192
An old lady, being told that a certain lawyer was lying Chapter 193
We mustn't kiss the baby we mustn't kiss the kid We mustn't kiss the dainty miss so scientists affirm; To pounce upon and wrastle us there waits the awful bacillus The sempiternal most infernal omnipresent germ Chapter 194
What I like about the Irish is that they are so modest and unassuming Chapter 195
I had soup in a restaurant the other day and found an oyster in it Chapter 196
I was at a banquet last night Chapter 197
A cement maker advertises that his cement is strong enough to mend the break of day Chapter 198
Rowley Powley pudding and pie Kissed the girls and made them cry Chapter 199
Only tells half Chapter 200
Are you the photographer Chapter 201
THE MAN--Edison's a wonder isn't he Chapter 202
When were walking-sticks first invented Chapter 203
Pat said one Catholic friend to another Chapter 204
--No matter how high an awning may be suspended it is only a shade above the street Chapter 205
An Irishman just landed seeing an electric-motor car running for the first time exclaimed: Well well Ould Nick must be pullin' it wid a string Chapter 206
DAME RUMOR ought frequently to have her named spelled without the e Chapter 207
Where are you working now Chapter 208
An Irish doctor advertises that the deaf may hear of him at a house in Liffey street where his blind patients may see him from ten till three Chapter 209
Where are you going my pretty maid Chapter 210
A painter who fell off a scaffold with a pot of paint in each hand said: well I came down with flying colors anyhow Chapter 211
--I'm very sorry for that boy Chapter 212
A lady one day being in need of some small change called down-stairs to the cook and enquired: Mary have you any 'coppers' down there Chapter 213
When I was eating my dinner to-day the butter ran Chapter 214
SHE--They say that your father is a millionaire Chapter 215
Girls and billiard balls kiss each other with just about the same amount of real feeling Chapter 216
MISTRESS--I am not quite satisfied with your references Chapter 217
What are you writing such a big hand for Pat Chapter 218
There was a terrible murder in the hotel to-day Chapter 219
As man and wife are one the husband when seated with his wife must be beside himself Chapter 220
Well, Pat, and how is that bull-pup of yours doing Chapter 221
You treat me cried Mrs Chapter 222
My lord said the foreman of an Irish jury when giving in his verdict we find the man who stole the mare not guilty Chapter 223
Did the fisherman have frog's legs Bridget Chapter 224
A woman fell overboard from a ship yesterday and a shark came up and looked her over and went away Chapter 225
GROCERYMAN--Pat do you like apples Chapter 226
See here sir remonstrated the young gentleman I got up to give my seat to the lady not to you Chapter 227
My son said the good old man if you only work hard enough when you undertake a thing you're bound to be at the top when you've finished Chapter 228
Did you have any trouble with black ants in Ireland Bridget Chapter 229
There's a young woman who makes little things count Chapter 230
It's thrue said Paddy to Dennis one day it wor a grand soight Chapter 231
What did you wear last night Chapter 232
A woman never fully understands the hardness of the world until she falls off a bicycle a few times Chapter 233
MRS Chapter 234
Jonah's experience with the whale is proof that you can't keep a good man down Chapter 235
Since I've been married I don't get half enough to eat Chapter 236
What man in the army wore the biggest hat Chapter 237
Nothing can make a woman so superlatively happy as to have a baby of her own to kiss exclaimed Mrs Chapter 238
Aren't you afraid dear you'll catch cold in the scanty bathing robe Chapter 239
MRS Chapter 240
ALGY--Charming widow isn't she Chapter 241
A Boston man upon learning that there were 4000 Poles in New York exclaimed: What a place to raise beans Chapter 242
FRED--I had a fall last night which rendered me unconscious for several hours Chapter 243
I say old chap how short your overcoat is Chapter 244
PAT--'Twas the divil of a blow the dago gave yer Chapter 245
JIM--Why do you wear your stocking wrong side outward Chapter 246
Held by the enemy--the ulster which we are unable to redeem Chapter 247
How could you endure talking so long with that ugly old woman with that frightful costume without laughing in her face Chapter 248
TEACHER--When does suicide become a crime Chapter 249
The modern drummer is not much like the month of March Chapter 250
How to signal a bark--pull a dog's tail Chapter 251
Say pop do people take snuff nowadays Chapter 252
I understand that Willoughby was half seas over at the Sneerwell dinner Chapter 253
BACON--What's that thread tied about your little finger for Chapter 254
HE--You saw some old ruins while in England I presume Chapter 255
CHOLLY--Ethel Knox told me last night I wasn't over half-witted Chapter 256
MRS Chapter 257
A man who drives away customers--the cabman Chapter 258
CLEVERTON--Miss Cutler tells me she has been putting quinine on her face lately for her complexion Chapter 259
MAUD--How do you define love Chapter 260
WEEKS--Well how are things over in Boston Chapter 261
SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER--What is meant in the parable by a house built upon a rock Chapter 262
I am quite surprised Mr Chapter 263
MR Chapter 264
You have a bad cold he said Chapter 265
A little burn makes a big smart sometimes Chapter 266
Don't talk to me about compulsory vaccination Chapter 267
There are many sweet entrancing moments in this life but when a man steps on your pet corn you do not experience one of them Chapter 268
The impecunious young man who marries a girl with a substantial check attached may very properly be said to have been checkmated Chapter 269
VISITOR--I suppose you have a great deal of poetry sent into you for publication Chapter 270
What is your idea of happiness Chapter 271
--So Ethel is to marry that young Bob Halstey; why he has been jilted by half a dozen girls Chapter 272
I've been pondering over a very singular thing Chapter 273
They cannot be complete in aught Who are not humorously prone; A man without a merry thought Can hardly have a funny bone Chapter 274
TEACHER--Johnny can you tell me what a section boss is Chapter 275
PERSONAL--'A young woman to whom black is particularly becoming would like to meet a gentleman in poor health; object widowhood Chapter 276
I am told lynching is a pastime in this section Chapter 277
The house a lawyer once enjoy'd Chapter 278
TOMDICK--I'd like to find some girl willing to marry me Chapter 279
TEACHER--Yes dear; ova refers to an egg Chapter 280
IKEY--Fader is imbegunious undt inzolvent der same Chapter 281
SHE--Are you fond of tea Chapter 282
It was the morning after and he wanted a small favor Chapter 283
When the penniless lordling to get a rich wife Of his own nationality fails He crosses the ocean with heart light and gay And robs the United States males Chapter 284
HUSBAND--My dear how would you like a book for a present Chapter 285
That sounds like the charity bawl said the nurse as the babies in the orphan asylum began to yell Chapter 286
He went on a lark So his wife did remark And some angry words too did she mutter Chapter 287
CONDON--Have you been cured of that last attack of malaria Chapter 288
For years she'd heard her husband sadly say: Can't we have pies like mother used to bake Chapter 289
YANKEE--I say Britisher can you spell horse Chapter 290
What is the meaning of the saying that a man shall earn his bread in the sweat of his brow Chapter 291
A tramp asked a farmer for something to eat One day as he chanced there to stop The kind hearted farmer went out to the shed And gave him an axe and feelingly said: Now just help yourself to a chop Chapter 292
Yes said a landlord sadly whose tenant had made a moonlight flitting appearances are deceitful; but disappearances are still more so Chapter 293
Sailors are not fond of agricultural implements usually but they always welcome the cry of Land-hoe Chapter 294
Some men divide their lives between trying to forget and trying to recover from the effects of trying to forget Chapter 295
Castles in the air are walled in by fancy remarked the poet Chapter 296
A boy who is frequently chastised both by his mother and grandmother speaks of them as a spanking team Chapter 297
A man aroused his wife from a sound sleep the other night saying that he had seen a ghost in the shape of a donkey Chapter 298
What a fearful night I had when I drew this gun the first time Chapter 299
Gee whizz Chapter 300